Had a long day in the surgery center this morning as my middle daughter needed to have her ACL repaired in her knee. I think the word the orthopedic doc used to describe her ACL was "mop ends." Not a good thing. Needed to take a graft from another part of her leg in order to fashion a replacement ACL.
Anyway, after getting up at 4:30 a.m. (had to be in the office by 6:00), and not returning home until about 2:00, with limited nutrition and lots of caffeine, I made the mistake of discovering the top 10 things NOT to say to your daughter after she has surgery.
1. Don't worry, your boyfriend likes you for who you are, not what you look like.
2. Do you want to take the stool softener before or after you eat some food.
3. The nurse said you did a good job keeping all of your vomit in the container she provided.
4. Well, you might have to wear stockings over those scars for the rest of your life.
5. We should adopt a salad diet until you're able to exercise again so you don't put on any weight.
6. Your pain is not as bad as you think it is, it's a figment of your imagination.
7. The doctor said you were pretty quiet during the operation, only something about Justin Beiber's boxer shorts.
8. Sure, they say you can't see through those stupid gowns, but it doesn't matter because they take it off during surgery anyway.
9. Don't worry about the patient they just wheeled back to the recovery room, he had a different doctor than you.
10. A year from now, you won't even remember that you couldn't dance at your senior prom nor had to use crutches to get across the stage to get your diploma.
I never said I was the sharpest pencil in the box.
P.S. Don't forget to tell your daughter that you love her.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
The Monthly Visitor
There's no delicate way to approach this subject. With four females under my roof, and all four 14-years of age or older, that "time of the month" could be every week for me. If the four of them want to be cruel. I know they could plan it that way. And there's some studies that say that females who live under the same roof for lengthy periods of time, their bodies eventually adjust so that they all experience that scenario at the same time. Something to do with pheromones, or something. Well let me tell you, it don't happen!
Some of my friends think I'm bald because it's just convenient. It is. No doubt. And it saves on hair care products. I've donated my hair care budget for the good of the cause.
But the real reason for my hair style is what I call, the Monthly Visitor. Some have nicknamed it 'Aunt Flo' and I'm sure there are less pleasant monikers, from both men and women. Now, the good thing is that I've learned from experience, and, at least on this particular subject, I've learned quickly.
It's almost too easy for me to detect when one of my women has hit 'the week.' Actually, if you're a perceptive male (and I am only because of the amount of the estrogen under my shingles), you know BEFORE it actually arrives.
You spot the moody attitude, the grumpy demeanor, the short, terse answers to even your most innocent questions, like, "can I get you some water to wash down those Motrin?" Slamming doors are not uncommon, raised voices and an occasional verbal altercation. Now, if more than one of the females is experiencing 'the week,' then all of the above escalates and all bets are off.
Thankfully, a number of my friends have finished basements with pull-out couches, full bathrooms and large-screen televisions. A mini refrigerator full of cold adult beverages never hurts.
So I read with interest a USA Today article (http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/story/2011/04/Girls-hit-puberty-earlier-than-ever-and-doctors-arent-sure-why/45989054/1) the other day that talked about parents actually using hormone treatment therapy for their daughters in order to "keep them a kid as long as possible." In other words, they're trying to delay their daughter's transition to puberty. The theme of the article was that the quicker a girl enters puberty, the higher the chances that she could encounter some serious physical problems later on down the road. Apparently, according to the article, the longer a female's body is exposed to estrogen, the greater the likelihood that she will develop any number of nasty female-specific cancers. Not to mention just plain old nastiness once a month for the rest of her life.
If that's true, and you know how skeptical I am about research studies, then maybe there's some merit to the parents' efforts. But let's get something straight. There is never a good time for a girl to go through puberty. In fact, if they could skip puberty and jump from innocent, carefree, loving 10-year olds to about 28-year-olds, that would be fine with me.
So if you want to raise free-range chickens, as did one mother in the article, because you want to provide a fat-free diet to your daughter, that's fine with me. Just make sure that your husband has someplace to go once a month for a few days to lay low. Because free-range chickens nor hormone treatment therapy can take away the wrath of the Monthly Visitor.
P.S. Don't forget to tell your daughter that you love her.
Some of my friends think I'm bald because it's just convenient. It is. No doubt. And it saves on hair care products. I've donated my hair care budget for the good of the cause.
But the real reason for my hair style is what I call, the Monthly Visitor. Some have nicknamed it 'Aunt Flo' and I'm sure there are less pleasant monikers, from both men and women. Now, the good thing is that I've learned from experience, and, at least on this particular subject, I've learned quickly.
It's almost too easy for me to detect when one of my women has hit 'the week.' Actually, if you're a perceptive male (and I am only because of the amount of the estrogen under my shingles), you know BEFORE it actually arrives.
You spot the moody attitude, the grumpy demeanor, the short, terse answers to even your most innocent questions, like, "can I get you some water to wash down those Motrin?" Slamming doors are not uncommon, raised voices and an occasional verbal altercation. Now, if more than one of the females is experiencing 'the week,' then all of the above escalates and all bets are off.
Thankfully, a number of my friends have finished basements with pull-out couches, full bathrooms and large-screen televisions. A mini refrigerator full of cold adult beverages never hurts.
So I read with interest a USA Today article (http://yourlife.usatoday.com/parenting-family/story/2011/04/Girls-hit-puberty-earlier-than-ever-and-doctors-arent-sure-why/45989054/1) the other day that talked about parents actually using hormone treatment therapy for their daughters in order to "keep them a kid as long as possible." In other words, they're trying to delay their daughter's transition to puberty. The theme of the article was that the quicker a girl enters puberty, the higher the chances that she could encounter some serious physical problems later on down the road. Apparently, according to the article, the longer a female's body is exposed to estrogen, the greater the likelihood that she will develop any number of nasty female-specific cancers. Not to mention just plain old nastiness once a month for the rest of her life.
If that's true, and you know how skeptical I am about research studies, then maybe there's some merit to the parents' efforts. But let's get something straight. There is never a good time for a girl to go through puberty. In fact, if they could skip puberty and jump from innocent, carefree, loving 10-year olds to about 28-year-olds, that would be fine with me.
So if you want to raise free-range chickens, as did one mother in the article, because you want to provide a fat-free diet to your daughter, that's fine with me. Just make sure that your husband has someplace to go once a month for a few days to lay low. Because free-range chickens nor hormone treatment therapy can take away the wrath of the Monthly Visitor.
P.S. Don't forget to tell your daughter that you love her.
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