"Do these Jeans make my butt look fat"

Honesty is the best policy. Most of the time. I don't advocate lying. But if your wife asks you, "Honey, do these jeans make my butt look fat?" Your response shouldn't be, "No, baby, your butt makes those jeans look too small." Personally, I'd recommend running down the street if confronted with that question, but honesty and diplomacy are important.

When it comes to our daughters and self-esteem, I think honesty can make a significant, positive impact.

In my post earlier this week about Second Graders and Makeup, there were many comments to articles on that topic, and many of those focused on self-esteem as it relates to how girls look...physically. Ever since I wrote a series of newspaper articles about women and eating disorders several years ago, I've been overly sensitive to girls and self-esteem.

Much of what I pen here today is based on a research study, "How to Raise Girls with Healthy Self-Esteem," by Anita Gurian, Ph.D. and I recommend that you look at its findings. It's not a long dissertation, and it's worth your 7 minutes to read and to digest. http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/how_raise_girls_healthy_selfesteem

Much of what I learned in this report I'd known from research I've previously done. A couple of things stand out to me. For example, 20-40% of girls begin dieting by age 10. By age 15, girls are twice as likely to become depressed than boys. 47% of 5-12th grade girls said they wanted to lose weight because of magazine pictures.

As usual, external factors play a large role in girls' loss of self-esteem. Think about the images, language, and actions our daughters are exposed to everyday on television, in the movies, in videos, in song lyrics, in magazines, on the world wide web and in product advertisements. To a certain degree, some greater than others, our daughters believe they should emulate what they see in these different mediums. They believe, to a certain degree, that what they see and hear is how they should look, act and speak.

This is where the honesty comes in for fathers (and mothers). So if our daughter says, "Dad, I think I look fat," your response should NOT be, "Yeah, you make Rosie O'Donnell look like a SlimFast commercial." It should be more along the lines of, "Daughter, I understand that right now you might not appreciate your physical appearance. But, your value as a person is not based on how you look. Second, if you are feeling that way, maybe we could start taking a bike ride a couple days a week or tryout for spring soccer. And we'll substitute an apple or a banana into your snack list instead of potato chips."

If your daughter says, "Dad, I don't know if I should sign up for Honors math for next year, it's a hard subject." Your response should NOT be, "Yeah, you couldn't spell CAT if I spotted you the 'C' and the 'T'." It should be, "Daughter, you're a smart girl, I know you can do the work, and your brains are going to get you farther in this world than anything else."

The good thing is the research study highlighted some ways that we Dads can help our daughters. It says that "girls with active, hardworking dads attend college more often and are more ambitious, more successful in school, more likely to attain careers of their own, less dependent, more self-protective and less likely to date an abusive man." How can you argue with any of that? Of course, if my daughter were dating an abusive man, I can't guarantee that the male in question would have full use of all of his bodily functions for very long.

The study also says, though, that Dads can make a negative contribution in the self-esteem department if we're always doing things for our daughters and protecting them instead of letting them try...and fail at things themselves.

Bottom line, Dads, is that we can make a positive impact on our daughters' self-esteem. We still have more clout than movies, television, music, etc. The study says so. So Dads have to make a concerted effort to counteract all the negative images to which our daughters are exposed. We need to continue to tell them that we value them for who they are, not for how they look or how much money they might have.

And if you're wife asks you, "Honey, do you like this new shade of lipstick?" Don't say, "Jeez, the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it." Instead, say, "Honey, I think the dog needs to go for a walk." Even if you don't have a dog.

Have a Great Weekend

P.S. Don't forget to tell your daughter that you love her.

P.S.S. At the bottom of this post you will find some buttons you can click to indicate what you think of the post. It'll take a second to click a box. If you want, you can also leave a comment for fellow readers to see and discuss. Don't be afraid to add to the conversation.