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Thursday, February 17, 2011

Top Ten Lines to Scare Your Daughter's Boyfriend

I try to be open-minded. Honestly. I do. I'd like to think that I will consider opinions that don't necessarily jive with mine. To a degree. If you're a blathering idiot, then all bets are off. If you're reasonable, maybe I'll listen. Maybe. Nearly half a century of lived life is tough to reverse. Especially when it comes to my theory on my daughters and boyfriends.

My Google alert popped up a blog article last night titled "43 Questions for Fathers to Ask Their Daughters Boyfriend." First of all, any Dad who thinks his daughter will permit him to interrogate her boyfriend for 43 questions worth, is completely detached from reality. If you're lucky to get in a 'how are you,' and maybe a firm handshake (breaking fingers if possible, cracking knuckles at minimum), that's about all the time your daughter might allow you to interact with her male friend.

But I had to at least take a glance at the 43 questions, right? Making an earnest effort to be open-minded. The writer, not clear whether or not it's a male (let alone a father with daughters) breaks the 43 questions into five categories: Job and Education, Residence, Relationship with his Daughter, His Parents/Family and Other Interests.

I have to admit, I tried. I really, really tried. But it was difficult to read through the list of questions more than once. I'll save you the insanity of reading the whole list and I'll attempt to rationally cover a few of them here.

For example, 'What do you like about my daughter?' What the heck kind of question is that. There is only one response, and that would be, 'sir, I worship the ground your daughter walks on. She is the beacon of light in my otherwise miserable existence.'

Or how about this prize? 'Are you good at home improvements? Plumbing?' Now what father in his right mind would ask a boy with raging hormones who's dating his daughter about Plumbing? Seriously?  I might show him my staple gun and demonstrate on him how it works if his pants are hanging low enough that I can see the design on his boxer shorts. But I'm not asking him about Plumbing!

Okay, one more and then I'll give you my pointers for interaction with your daughter's boyfriend. 'What is your favorite movie?' Again, we're setting the poor guy up here. There really are very few acceptable answers. Any John Wayne western, any Clint Eastwood "Dirty Harry" show, the Godfather trilogy or Hoosiers. If he's never heard of or watched any of those movies, he's most likely a sissy boy and we wouldn't want him around our daughter to begin with.

Listen, when you're interacting with your daughter's boyfriend, the first and most important goal is to instill fear in the young man. I think I shared with you in a previous post that my daughter told me her boyfriend was scared of me. That's a GOOD thing. Respect comes second, and should automatically follow the 'fear' part.

So here's my Top Ten list of Lines to Scare the Crap out of your Daughter's Boyfriend:

1. I'm not afraid to go back to prison.
2. Come on in, son, let me show you my semi-automatic gun collection
3. Bend over and let me attach this GPS tracking unit in the appropriate place
4. Did I tell you about the time I fought off an entire platoon of North Vietnamese without a gun?
5. Did you know that Brock Lesner is my daughter's Godfather?
6. If you behave in a manner unbecoming while you're with my daughter, the authorities won't find your body.
7. I love to cook, and one of my favorite utensils is this ten-inch bread knife with the serrated blade.
8. Things didn't turn out so well with the last boy that dated my daughter. People tell me that when they see him in public he's always glancing over his shoulder with this terrified look on his face. I wonder if it has anything to do with the family dinner we had with Uncle Vito and the boys?
9. We took my daughter's boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend of course, with us one time up to the cabin, but the doctors couldn't fix the injuries from his hunting accident.
10. Careful where you sit. Lulu, my pet Burmese python got our of her cage the other day and I haven't been able to find her. She doesn't take too kindly to strangers.

P.S. Don't forget to tell you daughter that you love her.

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