I try to stop the question before it gets asked. That is, if I see it coming. Sometimes I don't get the question until it's a done deal. Like, "Mom already said I could." At which point my response is, "well then why did you ask me at all?" My daughters all know that I despise sleepovers almost as much as the Baltimore Ravens, the New York Mets, crappy beer, or spaghetti sauce from a jar.
Once the issue is settled (and I never win this argument because Mom always sides with the girls) the question to follow is, "Dad, why do you hate sleepovers so much? We won't bother you, I promise we'll go to sleep, and we're just going to watch some movies and eat pizza (or whatever junk food you provide)."
Sleepovers are death for parents. At least for me. I'm a light sleeper, so I have a difficult time falling asleep when there's squealing teenage girl voices reverberating from the family room until three or four in the morning. Which makes Daddy a grumpy guy the next day, when, of course, I'm supposed to put on my happy face and make pancakes and bacon for a dozen or more sleep deprived teenage girls who also are grumpy from a lack of sleep. Go figure.
Then, of course, if you don't want to be considered a total dork by your daughter and her friends, you try (as difficult as it is) to steer clear of the room or the area that the girls are occupying. You don't want to be labeled a spy, an eavesdropper, a party pooper or any other label that would cause your daughter to crawl under the carpet and wish to die from embarrassment. Of course, there are strategic ways you can spy. You can volunteer (to your wife) that you will gladly deliver the food on a half-hour basis to make certain that the girls are properly fed and watered. Every time you venture in to replenish the chips and dip, or fill up the Mountain Dew, you can usually pick up on the conversation. And as is the case with most females, if you go in every half hour, you'll be able to keep up pretty well.
But if you can't spy, then you're left wondering what the heck are they doing all night? You can only watch so many movies, so many re-runs of One Tree Hill or music videos. It appears that a favorite activity now is to text boys, which if I have an opportunity, I will totally ruin. "I'm sorry, I can't believe I spilled half a liter of Coke on your pajamas, here, let me hold your cell phone while you dry off." Or, if the sleepover is small enough, I'll confiscate cell phones at a certain hour. My one daughter has a friend who text messages her boyfriend so much that she had her cell phone taken away by her parents because she exceeded what was an already generous limit. Of course, kids always find a way to get around those restrictions. Apparently you can also text message from your iPod. Wait until her parents get that bill.
Boys, at least when I was a teenager, did a sleepover once in a blue moon (no, not the beer). So in order to make an attempt at uncovering what the heck the whole sleepover phenomenon is, I found an interesting website: birthdaypartyideas4kids.com. The operators of the site have everything you can think of for almost any birthday party for almost any age. Not for adults though. So I clicked on Teen Themes and they have ideas for everything from invitations to party favors, to activities and even "In the morning after sleepover Party" tips and Sleepover tips. Fascinating stuff.
Course, I skipped the pleasantries and went right to "Teen Themes." Just a sampling, some of the more popular themes listed include: New Moon (that's the insanely hot book series, now movie about teenage vampires. I think it's a love story. Don't know how), Pool Party (not in my house if it includes stupid teenage boys), Mystery Dinner, Hotel Shopping Stay (for the rich and famous) and Scavenger Hunt. The site also lists John Deere and NASCAR, yet I can hardly believe girls would want to use either of those as a theme, and I doubt that teenage boys would admit it.
Some of the activities listed for sleepovers include: Funky Flip Flops (believe, if you have a dozen or more teenage girls sleeping over your house in the summer, the flip flops will be funky), Decorate a Pillow Case (as a keepsake, but why?), Chocolate Spa Sleepover, Drama Bag Game (like you need a sleepover for that), and my favorite, the Toilet Paper Share Game (I'm not going to elaborate...use your imagination).
Interestingly enough, one item was listed both as a theme and as an activity - Scavenger Hunt. See, when I think of a dozen or so teenagers sleeping over my house, and incorporate the words scavenger hunt, I'm thinking that while I sleep, the girls are searching for my Buffalo Trace Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey or my wife's wine bottles. I can't think of anything else useful they'd be scavenging for. Can you? So I think the whole Scavenger Hunt idea is a non-starter.
Some of the more useful Sleepover Tips were, 'buy extra toothbrushes in case guests forget theirs' and don't invite more than five guests because it could cause too much drama. Duh! Ya think?! As far as the toothbrushes, I think you ought to let the girl wait until she gets home. After chewing on cheese puffs all night, preventing her from brushing until she gets home prevents any liplocks with the boyfriend until her hygiene is taken care of. And we always want to prevent that whenever possible. The germ swap with the boyfriend.
Here's my advice for the next time your daughter has a sleepover. Wait until all the girls have arrived at your house, then corral them in a sound proof room. Confiscate all electronic devices that could be utilized to communicate with the outside world. Lock the door, deadbolt it, padlock it and toss away the keys. Take up residence in the room farthest from the sleepover room. Have by your side a full snifter of bourbon, a good cigar and a John Wayne dvd. Don't unlock the room until 8:00 the next morning when you'll have had a good night's sleep, and you'll have had time to read the morning paper with a hot cup of coffee. By that time, the girls won't care what you make for breakfast or when they'll get to brush their teeth.
P.S. Don't forget to tell your daughter that you love her
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