I just started reading a biography about Clint Eastwood (American Rebel: the Life of Clint Eastwood) by Marc Eliot. I've always been a big fan of the Man with No Name, for some obvious reasons, and for some that aren't so obvious. Eliot's book, so far, is really good because of the details he's acquired that some biographers might not have. It's not a sensational style of biography, but a thorough examination of the man, warts and all.
And Clint has some warts. One is that he has seven kids by five different mothers. That he knows about. So in an article this past October commemorating his 80th birthday (I can only hope that I'm as productive at his age as is he) by David Germain of the Associated Press, Clint was asked what is was like to be the father of a 13-year old girl at the ripe old age of 80. His response was simple, that after 80 years he knows of all the "nameless terrors of which we dare not speak." He went on to say that fatherhood is easier for him now than it was for him in his 50s because he's no longer "trying to grab the brass ring."
I guess I take offense to that to a degree. Clint's assertion that his professional goals prevented him, or inhibited his ability to be a good father to his children doesn't work for me. Many of you who read this blog regularly travel for your jobs, work hard, might not always be home when you want to be, maybe we miss an event or an activity that we really wish we hadn't. But I know that we also take the time to spend as much quality time with our daughters (and sons) as we possibly can, and when we can't we are blessed with technology that we can use to stay in touch, whether it's via cell phone, Skype, text messaging, etc. We can still have a presence in our daughter's life even if we can't physically be there at the moment we wished we were. Is that the same as being there? No. But I think it's just as important to stay in touch, however you can and however your daughter lets you.
My oldest daughter is in the middle of her second year of college. She's the most introverted of my three girls, and she doesn't say a lot. If she won the MegaMillions today, you'd barely know it. So I try not to bug her when she's at college. I'll send her an occasional text message. I'm going to start to do some other things as well, like sending her an occasional care package, or a card just for the heck of it. Even though she's close, I know she'll appreciate those things.
But back to my main point. Does striving for professional success prevent us from being good fathers to our daughters? My life's experience says, No. In fact, I could argue that if we don't try to achieve great things professionally, we are letting our daughters (and family) down, because we are not providing for them the life that we'd like them to be able to enjoy. This point is a little bittersweet for me at this moment because I recently lost my third job in 30 months. But that's a story for another day and it'd most likely take a couple of adult beverages to explain.
So on one hand, I don't want fathers to feel guilty about working hard and trying to achieve great things at their job. On the other hand, I encourage you to make time to spend with your daughter(s) regardless of their age. Whether it's as simple as taking her to Starbucks or Panera Bread for a coffee or lunch, going to a movie, or renting a movie (see my post from December 21). Maybe you want to have a Daddy-Daughter weekend and take her to New York city or Philadelphia to see a play and have a really nice dinner and maybe take her to her favorite store. Whatever those things are that make your daughter smile and make her happy, make sure that you're making some time to actively engage with her in those. And turn off your Blackberry and don't check it until your day is complete, or your daughter's asleep.
There was one line in the AP article about Clint's 80th birthday that I think all Dads with daughters need to remember. Of course, if you're Clint Eastwood, I guess this is a lot easier to say and believe. Clint said, "Real masculinity is the confidence to not have to prove your manhood."
P.S. Don't forget to tell your daughter that you love her.
P.S.S. I've been getting some emails and some in-person comments about making sure that I keep this blog going...but remember. This is a two-way street. I'm not an expert, and I'm not a child psychologist. I need you guys (and mothers if there's any reading) to leave me comments at the end of posts, to email me thoughts and ideas that you'd like me to write about or to investigate. Right now I'm a man on a deserted island, but I've got plenty of beer and enough food to get me through a while. But when my supplies run out, I'm going to need some assistance from you faithful readers.
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