I think the first time I was exposed to, and somewhat understood, drama was when I was a pre-teen or a teenager and I'd come home from school to my Mom watching her afternoon soap operas. I can still recall some of the introductions..."Like Sands Through the Hourglass, So Are the Days of our Lives.." cue the music. I always thought those shows were pretty silly and pretty contrived. Like when Billy Joe's mother was dating a younger boy who was her mother's brother's uncle's son from two marriages ago which made Billy Joe's unborn baby her cousin. Or something like that. Nobody believed any of that stuff happened in real life. That was television.
Unfortunately, sometimes our daughters have taken up where the soaps leave off. I'm told soap operas still rule daytime television. I wouldn't know since I stopped watching General Hospital when I left college and Luke and Laura were getting divorced or remarried, or something like that. Hey, there was nothing else on at 3:00 in the afternoon for a college guy to watch.
I was driving some girls, daughter included, home from basketball practice a few weeks ago, and the girls were discussing a sleepover party they had been invited to. But the primary topic of discussion was the drama that would likely occur at the party. My daughter got to the point where she had convinced herself she didn't want to go. Apparently there were two girls invited to the party who do not like each other. One had texted the other that she was attending the party and for the other girl to watch out. Literally.
The day of the party, all of a sudden, my daughter wanted to attend the party BECAUSE of the pending drama and some weird excitement about watching it all unfold. On the ride home the next morning from the sleepover, my daughter told me that the girl who was threatened in the text message actually smacked around the girl who threatened her...and then they made up. That's what usually happens when bullies get put in their place. But that's another topic.
So what's the deal with the drama?
Some research suggests that teenage girls place such a high priority on their social standing in their social circles, that when that standing is threatened, they react, often badly. So they then do whatever they feel is necessary to preserve their standing in the group. That can include telling lies about another girl, fabricating stories about another girl, making fun of another girl, spreading rumors, or simply ignoring another girl. We've seen some YouTube videos of things getting completely out of hand with teenage girls resorting to violence.
According to some experts, the root of this dilemma is two-fold: teenage girls are not prepared or taught how to effectively deal with conflict, and teenage girls have poor role models in learning this behavior.
Dads, we can help on both of those issues. Often the root of conflict is the lack of communication. We can teach our daughters that before they believe rumors, gossip and innuendos, they need to go talk directly to the individual with whom they might have an issue. Calmly sort out what's been said and why it's been said. Discuss if the problem can be resolved, like human beings, or if the negative behavior will continue. If the problem can't be resolved, then we need to explain to our daughters that sometimes people lack the desire or the ability (or both) to talk through their problems, and you just have to move on and leave it behind. Maybe that means your daughter has to find a new circle of friends, or maybe she'll be lucky enough that her circle of friends appreciates her more than they appreciate the person who's creating the drama. Which would cause the drama queen to find another circle of friends.
As far as role models, these experts suggest that the advent of reality television shows, gossip magazines and sleazy celebrity behavior has de-sensitized our daughters to the real world impact of these negative behaviors. Hey, if the Housewives of Atlanta are doing it, or Lady Gag Me, or Kim Kardashian, our daughters deduce that a. it's acceptable, and, b. if you behave badly, you can get your own reality television show and make a million dollars. Unfortunately it doesn't always work that way. So if we're able to demonstrate to our daughters how real people solve conflicts and explain to them how it works, maybe we can diffuse the drama.
Because I no longer can recommend to my daughters the method most men my age used when we were teenagers...you punched the other guy's lights out and, if he awoke and decided he wasn't going to be a jerk anymore, then you shook hands, went down to the drug store and had a milkshake and you were playing wiffle ball after dinner. Problem solved.
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